Fear

I had not intended in any way, shape or form to write about this topic on my blog. I am a private person when it comes to personal things in my life and don't like to share difficult things with people. I don't like people to feel sorry for me either which is why I hadn't intended to tell anyone other than a few close friends who would have known something was wrong anyway. I also don't think a blog is the most appropriate place to post such personal and difficult things that happen in my life but in this instance it's the best I can do.


What changed my mind was an email I got from a friend today who knew my situation. She mentioned the sermon at her church today and how the topic was fear. She said she was thinking about me while in church so I watched the sermon online this evening. http://www.ctkbellingham.com/media/videos/2008.09.14.html


I don't think of myself as very emotional but I was crying through most of the sermon. In fact, I've been doing a lot of that the past couple of days. The sermon talked about fear of man and how we are all fearful of what people think of us. It talked about how we don't mention or talk much about our relationship with God because we are scared of what people will think of us. It talked about how we alter what we do and say all day long based on what we think others will think of us. I think this fear has led me away from God and church. Over the past couple of years I feel I have slowly drifted further and further away from God and I have felt more and more lost as I have drifted. I thought if I prayed most nights and still knew I believed in God it would be enough. But praying most nights became praying once a week and then even more time went by before I would remember. Going to church hasn't been a priority at all, there is always an excuse. Even my belief in God has been challenged and I have had doubts over the past couple of years. I have never lost faith in my beliefs but I have had moments of doubt which drew a deeper and deeper wedge between me and God.


So, if you are wondering what the situation is that led me to write this blog it's this - Eric lost his job on Friday. After I wrote that last sentence my hands started sweating and I stared at it for several minutes. I don't even know how to explain my feelings around it because I go from really strong emotion to being completely numb. There is a little more to the story but it definitely falls under the category of "not appropriate for a blog". I'm not writing any of this for pity, oh my gosh the thought of people pitying me is mortifying. Although I have no idea how or what it's going to end up looking like when it's all said and done I know it will work out somehow.


I'm not sure if I'm writing about the sermon as a result of what happened to us or writing about what happened as a result of the sermon. Maybe this happened to us to get us back on the right path and lead us back to church and God. Maybe not. I don't know why it happened but I do know it happened for a reason.


I know I am talking about the fear of man and how I don't have to answer to anyone but the fact is I am really embarrassed by this and do worry about what people will think of us. We should have had more money in the bank for a situation like this, we should have had a backup plan, we should have been more responsible since we have kids, etc. I could go on and on about our "should have's" but it is what it is. I apologize to the friends who have tried to call me who I have not called back. I really appreciate every one's thoughts and prayers and please stop worrying about us. Things will work out. I am so blessed to have such good friends.