Wow, I just re-read my post from yesterday. That was quite depressing. I wish I could say I am completely out of my funk but I'm not. However, today was much better than yesterday. I think it is impossible to love your kids too much but sometimes I think I am too invested in the everyday happenings. I need to step back a bit and distance myself from the emotion and the drama of every situation. That is much easier said than done and apparently MUCH more difficult when you are tired, stressed and have just had a rotten day as I found out yesterday. Sometimes our kids are too much the center of our attention and life and it's hard to see things clearly. Since starting this nursing assistant class I have just been out of sorts. I wasn't expecting to take it and only found out a week ahead of time and was completely scrambling to reschedule our entire summer, get the appropriate clothes for clinicals, get my TB test and stress about Eric working if I started class or not working because that's what we have desperately been wanting to avoid. I think events of the last year and a half are really catching up to me. I can't really say "it's only temporary" anymore because it's been so long. I am hopeful but not overly so. I guess you could say I'm getting a bit depressed by the whole thing. I really am not enjoying my class so that is compounding everything. I am away from my kids more than I have ever been, Eric is home and, frankly, not doing things the way I do things (I know that sounds bad but any stay at home mom can probably relate to what I mean...he is doing great, it's just hard to have things done differently), they are showing me in no uncertain terms that they are starved for my attention and I'm experience such exhaustion that I don't feel like I have the energy for them when I get home from such a long day. I honestly don't know how working moms do it. I suppose you would get used to it but it's got to be hard. The rest of this week of class should be fun since we are going to have HIV training (a complete 7 hours of it) and CPR. On Friday I have clinical orientation and the following week and a half are going to be my biggest nightmare. I hope I am not setting myself up for disaster because I have not done one minute of homework since I started the class. I have not studied for any of the tests and got my first B today. That's not horrible but who knows how I will do on the clinical stuff, I could fail miserably at it. My heart just isn't in it. I do need to make sure I get through the class though so I never, ever have to take this class again.
Eric is gone tonight and it was just me and the girls. We had a good evening and I took them out for ice cream on a whim. They loved it and I am amazed and humbled by the love of children. They are my angels and will ultimately be my saving grace.
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