Clinicals: Part Deux

Two out of six clinicals are done. I hate to admit this but I suppose that is what this blog has become for me so here goes....last night when I got home from clinicals I was scared and depressed. I felt like I was making a huge mistake and didn't want anything to do with nursing. I feel like this entire class has been leading up to last night and I just didn't want to admit it. I was exhausted and had to do some fairly gross (for lack of a better word) things. I have never liked the idea of "end of life" and I have a really hard time with death. Being in a nursing home is really depressing me. I adore the residents but I have a really awful feeling when I see grown people spilling food down themselves to get a spoonful in their mouth. I am tearing up just typing this, it is extremely sad for me to see these things. It's hard for me to see residents wheel themselves around and notice their brief (diaper) sticking out of their pants. I am not sure what it is but I feel so sorry for them. Many of them are sharp as a whip and so many of them are the sweetest people but I still can't get past the idea that they are nearing the end of their life.
I let ssome of my thoughts slip out to a fellow student tonight who put things into perspective for me and reassured me, to no end, that I am heading in the right direction. There are a lot of nursing jobs (most, in fact) that are not in nursing homes and not working solely around people who are nearing the end. I wish this program was not a prerequisite for nursing but I suppose it weeds some people out. I am having a really hard time getting through these clinicals but it will be over in a week and I'll be done with this chapter. In the meantime, I am going to finally allow myself to not like the parts of the clinicals that I don't like without feeling like I "should" like them. I am going to get through it like I have all the other classes so far and move on. I've come a long way since I started even if it was one class at a time and I can't let this one bad experience get in the way of that.
I am doing this all for myself and the two little girls sleeping together in the next room. They are all I think about when I am away and I can't wait to come home and see their sleeping faces. I'm feeling really sad being away from them for so long but it's just the six days and it will be over. I have promised them lots of summer fun once this is all over and I intend to make good on that promise. I can't wait!